Nobody Knows I'm a Dog

by Alan David Perkins

Character Breakdown PLATO - Male, teenager. Plato is a geeky, nerdy kid. NADINE - Female, middle-aged housewife. PHYLLIS - Male, 30's. Nondescript actor wannabe. CHEESE - Male, 40's. The Curmudgeon of the group. CUTIEPIE - Female, late 20's-early 30's. Not very attractive. HORNDOG - Male, mid 30's. Not too smart, working class-type. Act Breakdown ACT I Scene 1: Usenet Newsgroup. All six characters pass messages back and forth to each other. Each message takes place within an indeterminate period of time. Scene 2: E-mail. The characters pass messages privately to each other. Each message still takes place within an indeterminate period of time. Scene 3: Back to the Newsgroup. ACT II Scene 1: IRC (Internet Relay Chat) channel. It is in real time. Scene 2: E-mail. Scene 3: Newsgroup. ACT I, SCENE 1 USENET (Spot up on PHYLLIS. We se that he is a normal-looking male.) PHYLLIS Hello. I am young, attractive and in search of love, friendship and stimulating conversation in cyberspace. If you're interested in some hot chat, drop me an e-mail anytime. Philip. (Spot fades down. Beat. Spot fades back up.) PHYLLIS (cont'd) Hello, everybody. I have come to believe that a number of people will manufacture different personas when communicating on the Internet to nourish the person they secretly wish they were. Does anyone have any thoughts on the subject? Signed, Hardbody. (Spot fades down. Beat. Spot fades back up. PHYLLIS is a bit frustrated.) PHYLLIS (cont'd) Hi! I get the feeling that some of the people on the Internet aren't who they say they are. What do you think? Signed . . . (beat) Phyllis. (Spots bump up on HORNDOG and CHEESE.) HORNDOG Hi, Phyllis! Welcome to the newsgroup! CHEESE It will be a pleasure conversing with you, Phyllis. HORNDOG Anything I can do, just drop me an E-mail. CHEESE I am always at your service, Phyllis. HORNDOG What do you do for a living, Phyllis? CHEESE What do you look like? HORNDOG How old are you? CHEESE Could we meet for coffee? PHYLLIS My my my. I'm amazed at the responses my posting has received! I'll do my best to answer each one of them privately. But, in the meantime, I'll give you a little personal information. I'm . . . (ponders) twenty eight years old . . . blonde . . . blue eyes . . . (thinks) five foot five . . . a hundred and . . . (thinks) thirty pounds. I'm currently employed as a . . . word processing operator . . . (pause as he backspaces over the words) . . . paralegal . . . (pause as he backspaces over the words) . . . secretary . . . (pause as he backspaces over the words) . . . LEGAL professional. I love . . . sports and going to the . . . opera. I'm still waiting for some response on my question. Hugs and kisses, Phyllis. HORNDOG Oh Phyllis - I'm in love! Can we meet face to face? PHYLLIS NO! (Spots down on HORNDOG and CHEESE. Spot fades up slowly on NADINE as she types.) NADINE Hello. I'm kind of new at this. I guess you'd call me a "newbie." I never expected it would be so easy to log onto the Internet. In response to Phyllis' comment, I think she may have a point. Still, I feel that no matter how elaborately we manufacture an alter ego or online persona it will never vere too far from who we really are. I think we're unable to maintain even the most intricate facade because eventually our true self comes through. In other words, we're the same no matter who we become. Anyway, I just wanted to say 'hi' and help get the ball rolling. This whole Internet thing is very exciting. Nadine. (Pause. Spot stays up on NADINE, but PLATO speaks in the dark.) PLATO (Voice Over) Dear Nadine: There's an ancient chinese proverb that states that a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. And quoting Josia Gilbert Holland, "Joys divided are increased." Yours, Plato. (Pause. Spot up on HORNDOG.) HORNDOG What the hell does that mean? PLATO (VO) It means I'm happy to make her acquaintance. You have a peculiar handle. Are you proud of being called "Horndog?" Does it accurately represent the real you or is it some ruse to make you appear how you wish you were? Then again, to quote William Hazlitt, "Life is the art of being well deceived." HORNDOG Does anyone know what this guy is talking about? NADINE Thank you for the response, Plato. It's almost frightening - answering a letter through a computer. I liked your quote by William Hazlitt. I have to say that I agree with it. We're always deceiving somebody. Maybe we're afraid of the truth? Or maybe it's just a guilt trip. Nadine. (Spot begins to fade up on PLATO. We now see that he is in his mid-teens. Before he types he first rifles through a book of quotations that he diligently keeps at his side.) PLATO Dear Nadine: If you liked that one, how about this one: "We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. NADINE Dear Plato: That's very deep. I don't think I've ever thought about it that way. Why do you think this is so? Nadine. HORNDOG You know what I think? I think it's good, clean fun. I think people just like to pretend, you know? It's like make-believe. When I was a kid I always wanted to be a fireman. Now I'm a cook, but I still want to be a fireman. NADINE Then why isn't your online persona that of a Fireman? HORNDOG Who says it ain't? Just think about fires and hoses. PHYLLIS Horndog! That's disgusting! HORNDOG Some people like that, do you? PHYLLIS No, I don't. NADINE Neither do I. (Spot up on CHEESE.) CHEESE Dear insipid morons: Now that we've introduced ourselves, how about getting a life. Some of us have more important things to do than exchange "hi's" and "how-do-you-do's." Only in this country can we take an invaluable tool like the Internet and reduce it to a smiley button. Get some lives. The Cheese. PLATO "Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength." Welcome aboard, Cheese. Yours, Plato. NADINE Plato! That isn't very nice. You should apologize. PLATO P.G. Woodhouse writes: "It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them." Which are you, Mr. Cheese? Yours, Plato. CHEESE Dear Mr. Plato: It is I who should apologize - not for my rudeness but for assuming that you had a grain of intelligence. You're a loser, Plato - both online and in real life. The Cheese. CUTIEPIE (VO) Excuse me, Mr. Cheese, but if you dislike everybody here so much, why do you read the postings? Cutiepie. CHEESE Dear Ms. Cutiepie, in all humility and cordiality I pose the following questions: Who the hell are you, what do you want and what business is it of yours? (Light fades up slowly on CUTIEPIE. She is not very attractive.) CUTIEPIE I'm just a person like you, Mr. Cheese. I want nothing. And it IS my business since this is a public forum. I think you're being unnecessarily hostile. Cutiepie. CHEESE My Dear Ms. Cutiepie: Hostility is never unnecessary. It takes all we can muster as humans NOT to kill each other a thousand times over. And what kind of an image do you wish to project by being called "Cutiepie?" CUTIEPIE You don't like it? CHEESE Let's just say that it probably reeks of the subject of the discussion. It's like when someone tells you they've fixed you up with a "nice girl." You start to wonder how fat she is. HORNDOG So, Cheese, does that mean you're really a rat? CHEESE It means, you neanderthal, that I am the master and ruler of my own life and domain. I am King. I am the Big Cheese. CUTIEPIE So I can assume you're aged and smell bad? CHEESE Ho ho, ha ha. I'm sure you think you're a wit. Too bad you're only half right. HORNDOG Hey Cutiepie! Don't let Cheese bother you. I like your name. Hey, how 'bout a profile? CUTIEPIE Dear Mr. Horndog: A profile at this time is not possible. Let's just say that I'm female, single and breathing. Cutiepie. HORNDOG Dear Cutiepie: I'll bet you're really a cutie-pie. CHEESE Dear Mr. Horndog: Please keep your hormones in check. HORNDOG Dear Cheese-head: Who the fuck asked you?! CHEESE Ah yes, Mr. Horndog. Your intelligence, or lack thereof, finally surfaces. I think you'll find nothing hidden with Mr. Horndog. Online and off he's probably a boor. Adoringly, The Cheese. NADINE Dear Mr. Cheese: I find your being judgmental very disturbing. I really wish you and Mr. Horndog wouldn't bicker. It's very unbecoming. Nadine. PLATO Jean Jacques Rousseau writes: "Do not judge, and you will never be mistaken." There's also a Native American proverb: "Don't judge any man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins." Yours, Plato. NADINE You're very wise, Plato. HORNDOG Dear Nadine: Duh. CUTIEPIE Dear Mr. Horndog: I want to assume that your crudeness is an act. For the sake of mankind I hope that you are both sensitive and intelligent. So if you can't say something nice . . . CHEESE Oh, God. It's Jimminy Fucking Cricket. Please, Cutiepie, we ARE, after all, adults. PLATO "To the mean all becomes mean." Nietzsche. HORNDOG Yo' Plato! What's your problem? The man's entitled to his opinion! Who died and made you smart? NADINE Dear Plato: I find you quite interesting. Do you mind if I ask your age? Nadine. PLATO To quote Katherine Hepburn; "Either you are interesting at any age or you are not. There is nothing particularly interesting about being old-or being young, for that matter." Yours, Plato. CHEESE Dear Ms. Nadine: Either you're very young, very naive or very stupid. Plato is obviously a child. Either that or some horny computer geek with a book of quotations who's never gone out on a date. The Cheese. HORNDOG Oh -- like you, Cheese? CHEESE Dear Mr. Horndog: Please purchase a jar of vaseline and a smut magazine and get yourself a hobby. The Cheese. CUTIEPIE Dear Cheese: Why do you pick on poor Plato? Horndog asks for it, but Plato is a nice man. CHEESE Dear Ms. Cutiepie: Because Plato is an insipid moron. The Cheese. NADINE I don't think Plato is a moron. I think he's rather sweet. CUTIEPIE So do I. PHYLLIS Me, too. PLATO Ladies, ladies, I appreciate your coming to my rescue, but I assure you that it is not necessary. I'm perfectly capable of defending myself against the wrath of our Mr. Cheese. HORNDOG Yo' Phyllis, how long have you been lurking? PHYLLIS Have I been? I guess I have. Not too long, I suppose. NADINE Dear All: Forgive my ignorance. What is "lurking?" CUTIEPIE Nadine: Lurking is when you read the conversations but don't participate. CHEESE My dear Nadine: Lurking is an act similar to spying. It's the direct sign of a coward. PLATO Dear Mr. Cheese: As Mark Twain once said; "The human race is a race of cowards, and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner." I'm sure Miss Phyllis will have plenty to say when she's ready. Yours, Plato. CUTIEPIE At least she isn't saying anything stupid. Right Cheese? HORNDOG Yeah, Cheese Man. Leave the girl alone. CHEESE Dear Mr. Horndog: Is that a threat? Should I be afraid of you? HORNDOG Dear Mr. Cheese: Yes, you should. CHEESE Once again, Mr. Horndog, your true nature surfaces. I suspect that in real life you are not in fact the boorish tough-guy you project online. No, in fact, I suspect that you are a coward -- a coward who has been picked on his entire life to the extent that he has one dream - to be the furthest thing from his true self: a bully. HORNDOG Dear Mr. Cheese: You don't know shit. I think you're an asshole. Bite my ass, motherfucker! NADINE Boys! The intellectual level of this conversation has fallen through the floor. We owe it to ourselves to behave like adults. Now, one more outburst and I'll make you go to your rooms. HORNDOG Yes, mommy. CHEESE Dear Nadine: Judging by the tone of your string of conversations I can now safely assume that you have children. My guess is that you're some middle-aged, bored housewife who's discovered her computer is a source for a little excitement to make up for the void in her ordinarily pointless and hum-drum existence by allowing her to pretend that she is a vixen, and a single one at that. I am right, am I not? The Cheese. NADINE Dear Mr. Cheese: Nothing could be further from the truth. I am not a housewife nor am I middle-aged. For all you know I may not even be a woman. But you, my judgmental friend, will never know. Love and kisses, Nadine. PLATO Dear Nadine: "One is not born a woman, one becomes one." Simone de Beauvoir. NADINE Thank you, Plato. That's very sweet. HORNDOG Hey Nadine, don't make me sick. PHYLLIS Dear Mr. Horndog: I don't exactly know what your problem is, but you could do with a little sweetness yourself. The fact that you have to hang out on the singles newsgroup on the Internet speaks for itself. We all have our problems and we all have our reasons for hiding behind our computer personas to socialize. But with your attitude you'll wind up doing worse than Mr. Cheese. Lighten up, dude. Try being friendly and a little sensitive to women. Maybe then one of them will go out with you. Remember, you can attract more bees with honey than vinegar. I'm no Plato, but you get the idea. Yours, Phyllis. CHEESE What do you mean "doing worse than Mr. Cheese?" NADINE Bravo, Phyllis. CUTIEPIE That was rather harsh, Phyllis, but necessary. Thank you. CHEESE Pardon me while I interrupt your nauseating praise of Ms. Phyllis's actually possessing a spine, but I demand you explain your overtly hostile crack deliberately pointed towards me. NADINE This is not about you, Cheese. HORNDOG Yeah. Mind your own business, dickhead. PHYLLIS Dear Cheese: I feel no explanation is necessary. You wake up with yourself every day and surely you know how unpleasant you are. Frankly, I wish you weren't on the newsgroup. NADINE Here, here. HORNDOG That's the best thing I've heard yet. PLATO The Dalai Lama says: "We live very close together. So, our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." CHEESE Does this mean I am being evicted? CUTIEPIE No, not at all. PHYLLIS Speak for yourself. Take a walk, Cheese. HORNDOG The Cheese stands alone. CHEESE Fine. I don't need any of you. Consider me offline. Cordially, The Cheese. By the way: Fuck you all. (Lights go down on CHEESE.) HORNDOG The Cheese is dead! Long live The Cheese! NADINE He was a grump. I'm glad he's offline. CUTIEPIE I think he was a sad man. We talk about online personas versus our real persona and we never thought about him. HORNDOG He was a dick. Good riddance. CUTIEPIE Something is making him angry. I feel bad for him. NADINE Plato, what do you think? PLATO "We never touch but at points." Ralph Waldo Emerson. Blackout SCENE 2 E-MAIL (Lights up on CUTIEPIE.) CUTIEPIE Cheese? It's Cutiepie. I hope you don't mind my sending you a private E-mail, but I'm sad that you've left the newsgroup. I don't know why you're always so mad at everybody. If you want to talk to me I'll listen. Cutiepie. (Light on CHEESE.) CHEESE Dear Ms. Cutiepie: I apologize for my brash behavior. I do tend to become consumed by my hostility from time to time. Please let everyone know that it was not personal. The Cheese. CUTIEPIE You were always personal. Why don't you like people? CHEESE The very notion that I do not like people is absurd. I resent that you even would mention it. CUTIEPIE Do you have any friends in real life? CHEESE What kind of question is that? CUTIEPIE I don't have many friends. I though maybe you didn't either. CHEESE People are morons. I have trouble talking to them. CUTIEPIE People are not morons. But I know that sometimes it's hard to relate. Just because they don't understand you doesn't mean that they're bad. CHEESE I would not hesitate to say that you have never met with an undeserved adversary. CUTIEPIE I would not hesitate to say that you shouldn't assume anything. CHEESE Oh? (Lights down on CUTIEPIE and CHEESE and up on PLATO and NADINE.) NADINE Dear Plato: I wanted to send you a private E-mail because I think that you display a very mature and well-educated wisdom. Frankly, I find that fascinating and a little sexy. For that matter, don't think that I haven't noticed that you never tell about yourself. I'd like to know who you are in real life - your real name, your age, what you do, what you look like . . . It's okay, I don't bite. Nadine. PLATO Dear Nadine: William James said "The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook." Yours, Plato. NADINE That's very nice, but for once could you not speak in quotes? I'd like to know who you really are? Are you a college professor? Do you have children? PLATO "Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all bad" - W.C. Fields. NADINE I take it then you don't have children. And please, no quotes. PLATO No, I have no children, nor do I like them. They're all selfish and cruel. Children, teenagers in particular, are horrible creatures. Nobody should be allowed to assimilate into society until they're at least twenty-one or a college graduate. NADINE If you had one, maybe you would feel different about them. PLATO I take it you do? You seem to allude to them frequently. NADINE Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Maybe I want them and can't have them. Maybe I have them and don't like them. PLATO I assume there a reason for your ambiguity. NADINE So, what do you do? I'll bet you're some kind of english or philosophy professor. PLATO Alas, no. I . . . (beat) work with computers. And you? NADINE A question! Plato finally asks a question! I . . . (beat) am a writer. Yes, I am a writer. PLATO Does repeating it makes it so? What do you do, Nadine? NADINE I said I was a writer. PLATO I know, but you and I both know that is not true. (Lights down on NADINE and PLATO, and up on HORNDOG and PHYLLIS.) HORNDOG Dear Phyllis: I kept a printout of your profile. You sound totally hot. PHYLLIS Thank you, Horndog. Right now I feel a little hot. HORNDOG You do! Is there any way we can meet face to face? PHYLLIS Are you always this aggressive? HORNDOG I'm coming on too strong, aren't I. PHYLLIS Yes, you are. HORNDOG I'm sorry. I just get so excited when a woman leaves me E-mail. Women don't talk to me too much in real life, and when they do it's usually to get me in bed. PHYLLIS Oh. Look, Horndog, I think that's more than I need to know. HORNDOG No, no, you don't understand. I'm a good-looking guy! I'm just not gifted in the brain department, so I try to hang around with people who are and they treat me like I'm stupid. Lots of smart people hang out on the Internet, so I figure I'll hang out on the Internet too! You sound pretty smart. Are you smart? PHYLLIS Sometimes I don't think so. Right now I don't think so. HORNDOG That's too bad. You sound smart. So, what do you like in a guy? I know it's kind of a personal question, but I got nothing to loose. PHYLLIS Oh my. In a man. I really don't know. It depends on the individual. What do you look for in a woman? HORNDOG It depends on the individual. See? I told you that you was smart. What do I look for in a woman? Well, she's gotta be smart - just like you! And she's gotta be good-looking - just like you! PHYLLIS Is that it? HORNDOG Oh, she's gotta like me. I find that attractive in a woman. (Lights down on PHYLLIS and HORNDOG and up on CHEESE and CUTIEPIE.) CHEESE I recall a cartoon I once saw in The New Yorker. There was a dog typing away at a computer, and the caption had the dog saying: "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog." CUTIEPIE I like that. CHEESE It's very poignant. I think it represents the majority of people on the Net. CUTIEPIE People like us. CHEESE Perhaps people like us. CUTIEPIE You don't think you're attractive? CHEESE If I did would I have to resort to the Internet to socialize? CUTIEPIE Beauty is in the mind, Cheese. If you don't believe you're beautiful, how will anyone else? CHEESE Ah, but that's not true. Here on the Internet I'm Mel Gibson. CUTIEPIE More like Mel Brooks. You make yourself very ugly. CHEESE I suppose that it's not the best image that I've projected in my only social outlet. CUTIEPIE Then if this is your only social outlet, why are you so mean? CHEESE BECAUSE it IS my only social outlet. (Lights down on CUTIEPIE and CHEESE and up on NADINE and PLATO.) NADINE You sound very sexy. What are you wearing? PLATO Dearest Nadine, please check your spelling. Apparently you inadvertently asked what I was wearing. NADINE I was. What are you wearing? PLATO Right now? NADINE Yes. Tell me what you're wearing right now. You can tell a lot about a man by what he wears. (PLATO picks up a copy of GQ magazine and rifles through it.) PLATO Well . . . I'm wearing a freshly pressed Van Heussen white shirt, a Nicole Miller necktie, khaki dockers and Bass Bucks. NADINE Hmmm. You sound very classy and very handsome. Do you want to hear what I'm wearing? PLATO . . . sure . . . NADINE I'm wearing a sheer, black silk teddy with red lace panties and black fishnet stockings. Does that excite you, Plato? PLATO . . . yes . . . NADINE What would you like to do, Plato? PLATO DO?! (Lights down on PLATO and NADINE and up on CHEESE and CUTIEPIE.) CHEESE Since nobody knows you're a dog, do you have dog-like qualities? CUTIEPIE I would have to say "yes." I think we all do. CHEESE I know that frequently I'm not what people feel comfortable around. CUTIEPIE You'll have to do better than that, Cheese. Why would people not feel comfortable around you? Do you make them feel ill at ease? CHEESE I fear that I do, but I don't exactly know how I do it. I tend to rub people the wrong way. CUTIEPIE But right now it's just you and me. You're not rubbing me the wrong way. CHEESE Don't worry. I will. CUTIEPIE You will with that attitude. Let's try an experiment. In this experiment, nothing you do or say will rub me the wrong way. CHEESE It sound great in theory. We both know that in reality it won't work. CUTIEPIE Do you want it to work? Or are you one of those types who want people to dislike them? You know, when you act badly and treat people poorly, it ruins all of your excuses. CHEESE Excuses for what? CUTIEPIE Excuses for being alone. It officially becomes your fault. (Lights down on CHEESE and CUTIEPIE and up on PHYLLIS and HORNDOG.) PHYLLIS You can be the most handsome man in the world, but if you come across with an attitude like that, nobody will want to go out with you. HORNDOG I don't think I have what most women want. PHYLLIS And what's that? HORNDOG If I knew, I'd do something about it. PHYLLIS And you don't think it's your attitude? HORNDOG What's wrong with my attitude?! PHYLLIS You come across like a pig. HORNDOG But you know better, right? PHYLLIS I think you're a pig, too. HORNDOG And what makes me a pig? PHYLLIS You're too interested in yourself to care about the person you're talking to or their feelings. You focus on superficial things like appearance. You have a terribly inflated ego. HORNDOG (In a different, more serious tone) Does that make you feel threatened? PHYLLIS Threatened? In what way? HORNDOG (Still in a serious tone) Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do you now distrust me? PHYLLIS Horndog? Are you the same person who began this string? Those questions don't seem like you. (Lights down on PHYLLIS and HORNDOG and up on PLATO and NADINE.) PLATO Why Mrs. Robinson, I do believe you're trying to seduce me. NADINE I thought we agreed - no more quotes? PLATO Nadine, I think there are some things about me you should know. NADINE The only things I want to know is what you'd like to do to me. Would you like to kiss me? PLATO Nadine, I can't believe we're having this conversation. NADINE Tell me, Plato. Would you like to kiss me? PLATO Yes. NADINE Then go ahead. Kiss me. (Lights down on NADINE only.) PLATO Dear Mr. Horndog: I know you and I are not on the best of terms, but I have a problem that I think you can help me with. Situation urgent. Plato. (Lights up on HORNDOG.) HORNDOG Yeah, Plato ol' pal! Whas'sup? PLATO Thank you for your response. I'm having problems with a woman. HORNDOG No shit? Who'da thunk. Tell me bud, what's the problem? PLATO I feel as though I'm being seduced. HORNDOG Congratulations. Now, what's the problem? PLATO That IS the problem. I'm being seduced online. She keeps telling me what she's wearing and asks what I'm wearing. She wants me to kiss her. HORNDOG You lucky bastard. She wants to have cybersex with you. PLATO Look, Mr. Horndog, I know for someone of your ilk this may be normal, but I've never . . . I don't know how . . . I'm not sure . . . I just don't know what to do. HORNDOG Plato, relax. Let the ol' Horndog help ya. We'll be like that french guy with the big honker -- Cyrano the Beeswax. The girl wants you to basically talk dirty to her. Go through the motions without actually being in the same room. Some folks get off on it. When it's good it can get pretty hot. PLATO So what do I do being that she wants me to kiss her? I can't very well kiss her through the computer. And it's Cyrano de Bergerac, not Beeswax. HORNDOG Describe kissing her. Be poetic - you're good with that shit. Find a steamy novel and recite your favorite passage. PLATO It seems so . . . perverse. HORNDOG Yeah. It's the best! (Lights down on HORNDOG and back up on NADINE. PLATO rifles through his stuff until he finds a romance novel. He searches for a passage and reads lifelessly -- as though he's reading a stereo manual.) PLATO From the tips of your dainty fingers my lips caress each inch of your creamy skin, rising inch by inch as I reach the nape of your smooth, delicate neck. I can see your lips quiver with antici... (turns page) ...pation as I nibble on the lobe of your left ear. Finally, I pull you close as I press hard with my lips against yours. I can feel the softness of them against mine and the warmth of your breath. NADINE Oh. Oh my. Oh God. Take me, Plato. Take me. (Lights down fast on NADINE and up on HORNDOG again.) PLATO Oh my God, Horndog, it worked. She wants me to take her. HORNDOG Hot damn! Some guys have all the luck. PLATO But it feels so . . . dirty. HORNDOG You'll learn to love it when you're a little older. PLATO I beg your pardon, Mr. Horndog. What is the insinuation of "when you're a little older?" HORNDOG You're a kid, aren't you. PLATO I feel you have misjudged me, Mr. Horndog. HORNDOG How old are you? Thirteen? Fifteen? PLATO Sixteen. How did you find out? HORNDOG In your case, it was easy. You try too hard to sound old. Besides, only a kid would have this much trouble with cybersex. PLATO Please, Mr. Horndog, don't let anyone know. I'll do anything. HORNDOG Your secret is safe with me. Hopefully someday you can return the favor. PLATO Thank you. I am forever in your debt. So, what do I do now? HORNDOG Stall. It'll get Nadine going. PLATO NADINE?! How did you know . . . ?! HORNDOG I know a lot of things. (Lights down on HORNDOG and up on NADINE.) PLATO No. Not yet. I'm not ready. NADINE Then allow me to get you ready. (Lights down on NADINE and PLATO and up on CHEESE and CUTIEPIE.) CHEESE So what's your excuse? You seem quite nice. Why do you choose to hide behind an obvious ruse of an online persona? CUTIEPIE Between you and me, I'm not too pleasing on the eye. CHEESE Now Cutiepie, if you went by your own given requisites for beauty, I would think that you were quite attractive. It radiates from you. CUTIEPIE Why Mr. Cheese, do I detect actual kindness? CHEESE Let's keep this our little secret, shall we? CUTIEPIE Do you have a scanner? I'd love to see a picture of you. CHEESE I as well would like a picture. I live in New York City. Where are you from?CUTIEPIE Boston. That's not too far. Maybe we could visit each other some day. CHEESE That would be good. I travel to Boston frequently with my job. I work as a Social Worker. I have some clients in Boston whom I see about every two weeks. CUTIEPIE 'Got your picture. You're a rather handsome rogue. Nicer than what I expected. CHEESE I received your photo as well. Horndog is right. You really are a cutiepie. CUTIEPIE Please don't tease me. CHEESE I would never tease you. I'll be in Boston this weekend. May I take you out to dinner? CUTIEPIE Yes. (Lights down on CUTIEPIE and CHEESE and up on PHYLLIS and HORNDOG.) PHYLLIS Dear Mr. Horndog: Though I am flattered by your continuous and seemingly relentless advances, I must now formally ask you to cease and desist from further harassment. HORNDOG Are you a lawyer? PHYLLIS No, but I work in a Law Firm, remember? HORNDOG Tell me, Phyllis, why would you say you're a woman on a singles newsgroup on the Internet if you didn't want men to talk to you? PHYLLIS I never "said" I was a woman. I AM a woman. HORNDOG Lots of times men will pretend to be women because they're not too interesting and nobody talks to them. But if they pretend they're a babe, everyone wants to talk to them. Guys on the Net tend to be pretty horny. PHYLLIS Are you insinuating that I'm not who I say I am? HORNDOG Baby, nobody is who they say they are. PHYLLIS I assure you that I am a woman. HORNDOG Fine. I assure you that I'm a parakeet. PHYLLIS No you're not. HORNDOG How do you know? Meet me in person and we'll both find out who each other really is. PHYLLIS I have to get back to you on this. Blackout SCENE 3 USENET (Lights up on all except CHEESE.) CUTIEPIE Hello, everybody. Within the discussion of who we are in real life as opposed to who we are online, I want you all to know that I had dinner with Cheese this weekend. Unlike the person he presents online, he's actually quite sweet and quite charming. We may have judged him too harshly. Cutiepie. PHYLLIS Cheese was a jerk. He behaved like a child. Phyllis. NADINE So, tell us about the date! Nadine. PLATO I have two for you: Leon Trotsky said "An ally has to be watched just like an enemy." Or, as Woody Allen says: "The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep." CUTIEPIE Come on, give the Cheese a chance. We had a delightful time. He's so nice once you get beyond all the pain. He hasn't had it easy. Being nasty was just his way of keeping everyone at bay. He didn't want to be hurt. NADINE There are better ways to do that. We all have pain, Cutiepie. We were never deserving of his wrath. Face it, the man was downright rude. CUTIEPIE But he's different now. Please let him back. PLATO "Life is a slate where all our sins are written; from time to time we rub the sponge of repentance over it so we can begin sinning again." George Sand. HORNDOG Come on, Plato. Be a guy. Forgive the dude. PHYLLIS I say we take a vote. NADINE Is the Internet ready for democracy? PLATO John Dryden says: "The most may err as grossly as the few." I'm in. Plato. PHYLLIS Fine. All in favor of the Cheese coming back? I vote "yes." CUTIEPIE I vote "yes." HORNDOG Sure. Why not. Let the dude back. PLATO Gandhi said: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Let the Cheese return. NADINE Only if he behaves. CUTIEPIE Thank you. Thank you, all of you. (Lights back up on CHEESE.) CHEESE Yes. I'm sorry I was so harsh and judgmental. You all have been quite decent to me and I returned your decency with hostility. I agree that was wrong and I'm sorry. No hard feelings, and I hope that we can all become friends. Sincerely, the Cheese. PHYLLIS Wow! Cutiepie, you must worked wonders on him. He sounds like a new man. CUTIEPIE He is a new man, Phyllis. Like all of us, he's alone. That can be tough sometimes. HORNDOG Yo! Welcome back, Cheese! I hear that you and Cutiepie are a real item. CHEESE An item? Yes, I suppose we would be considered an "item." We had a lovely date, true. She really is a lovely person. NADINE Who would have thought it. Congratulations, Cutiepie and Cheese. CUTIEPIE Thanks, Nadine. It's a little scary. I really have never dated much. And, as a Social Worker he only gets to come to Boston every two weeks. HORNDOG Hey, I got a great idea! Why don't we all meet on an IRC channel? NADINE Again, forgive my ignorance. What is an IRC channel? PLATO IRC stands for Internet Relay Chat. It's a part of the Internet where we can actually converse in real time. Someone creates a channel and we all log on to it at the same time, thus allowing us to converse. What you type goes out immediately to all others logged on to that channel. NADINE It sounds exciting! Seems a lot better than having to wait a day for responses. I'm in. CUTIEPIE IRC? I'd love to have an IRC session! CHEESE Name the time and place. HORNDOG Yo, Phyllis! We haven't heard from you yet. Are you in or out? PHYLLIS Dear Horndog: I'm in. Lord knows why, but I'm in. NADINE Dear Phyllis: Don't worry, dear. We're all your friends here. HORNDOG How about this Saturday at eleven o'clock Eastern time. That's eight o'clock for the west coasters. NADINE Plato? Are you in? PLATO Saturday is a busy day for me. I might not be able to be there. CUTIEPIE Aw, come on Plato! Don't be a party pooper! NADINE Plato, if you're not there I'll find you and drag you online by your ears. HORNDOG Come on, Plato. You owe me. PLATO Fine. Fine. Eleven o'clock Eastern Standard Time. And what shall we call this channel? NADINE How about "Plato?" CUTIEPIE Great! "Plato" it is! See you all this Saturday night! PHYLLIS Great! I'll be there! CHEESE We'll be live this Saturday. NADINE You won't be sorry, Plato. HORNDOG This is gonna be fun. See you there. (Lights go down on HORNDOG only.) PLATO Dear Nadine, Cutiepie, Cheese and Phyllis: I don't know if you've noticed this or not but there's something about Horndog I don't exactly trust. He seems to know more than he lets on. Be wary of any questions he asks and, more importantly, be wary of any accusations he makes. He's told me a few things in private that struck some uncomfortable nerves. Yours, Plato. PHYLLIS Dear Plato -- carbon copy to Cutiepie, Cheese and Nadine: I know what you mean. He seems like a jerk but then he starts figuring you out. I don't think he is representing himself honestly. (Lights fade out on PHYLLIS, CHEESE and CUTIEPIE, but remain upon PLATO and NADINE.) NADINE Dear Plato: Be on the IRC channel fifteen minutes early. PLATO My dear Nadine, I don't know if that will be possible. NADINE I said be there fifteen minutes early. No excuses. PLATO Yes, ma'am. Blackout. * END OF ACT 1 *

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Scene 1:	Usenet Newsgroup. All six characters pass messages back and forth to each other. Each message takes place within an indeterminate period of time.
Scene 2:	E-mail. The characters pass messages privately to each other. Each message still takes place within an indeterminate period of time.
Scene 3:	Back to the Newsgroup.

Scene 1:	IRC (Internet Relay Chat) channel. It is in real time.
Scene 2:	E-mail.
Scene 3:	Newsgroup.